I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
