You made me cry and you don't even care
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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