Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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