Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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