Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
do herpes really smell.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
