Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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