The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
