I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
