The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
