I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Found your dick twin last night
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
