My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
