I wanna bring you to show and tell
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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