I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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