my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
