she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
