the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
