a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Congratulations! We have a period
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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