so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
