I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
