Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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