sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
