OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
