this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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