My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He felt like a one man threesome
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
