Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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