After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
