It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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