my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
