Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
