Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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