I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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