I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
