I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
