GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
