So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
