i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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