you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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