you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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