Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
