Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
