I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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