My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
