apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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