Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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