Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
