I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
