Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
