how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
