Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just gargled with NyQuil
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
