actually, I'm a sock model
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
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