I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
